Bridge Banter: What Chelsea's new year resolutions should be

First published in Chelsea Streatham Guardian: Photograph of the Author by

While strolling past a Stamford Bridge wheely bin after Boxing Day’s frustrating 1-1 draw with the noisy neighbours, I noticed a piece of paper sticking out.

It carried the Chelsea crest, and contained an early draft of the Blues players’ resolutions for 2012. I feel it’s only right that I share it with you. Happy new year.

Fernando Torres.

I am convinced that my indifferent form is down to what psychiatrists call Samson syndrome. When I had my hair chopped off, I lost my power. So for the new year I will do anything (plastic surgery included) to make me look exactly as I did when I was scoring for fun at Liverpool.

Frank Lampard.

It’s time for a comeback, so 2012 will be my year. Christine has told me to keep patient. I only need 25 goals to become Chelsea’s all-time top scorer.

John Terry.

I’m going to buy a new suit to wear in February.

Dan Sturridge.

I’ve got 10 goals before Christmas, and I’m going to be top scorer this season. I should have netted against Fulham, but my target is still 23 – my squad number.

Mikel.

I’m figuring less in AVB’s plans, with Romeu the flavour of the month. He looks like something out of the Addams Family. Still, I’m happy, even as a £3m-a-year sub.

Petr Cech.

I vow to stay fit. OK, the hat is now part of my image, but that nose protector was too much. Some of my teammates have suggested that I should play in a wheelchair with my legs in plaster casts. Very funny.

Juan Mata.

I’m not ambitious; I just want to be player of the year and finish ahead of Didier in the golden boot.

Didier Drogba.

Hey, if I have to go blond to get a few more starts, I’ll do it.

Alex.

Could someone tell me if I can get a tube straight from Earls Court to Arsenal?

Comments

Comments are closed on this article.

Send us your news, pictures and videos

Most read stories

Local Info

Enter your postcode, town or place name

About cookies

We want you to enjoy your visit to our website. That's why we use cookies to enhance your experience. By staying on our website you agree to our use of cookies. Find out more about the cookies we use.

I agree